why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
