i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
