just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
