i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
