Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
