I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
