I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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