The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
