Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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