I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
