Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i believe in u and ur pee
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
