can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
