do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
