It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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