glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
