I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
