One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
