this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
