just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
