Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
