I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
