life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
