the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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