Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
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