How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
