We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
