i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
