ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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