yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
