Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
