you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
