I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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