His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
