I'm eating all of the evidence.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
