I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
