Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
