One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
