I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
