Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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