If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Randomize
