I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
