Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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