I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
