I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
