our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sorry about my life...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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