We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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