Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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