I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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