now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
