I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
