You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
