New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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