I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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