sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
