I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
