it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.