Why is your signature on my underwear?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
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It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.