Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.