I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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