last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
