Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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