Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
